


All I Ever Wanted

by scrappylittlegleek



Category: Supergirl (Comics), Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Don't say I didn't warn you, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, This fic will hurt, enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-04 23:09:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18822661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrappylittlegleek/pseuds/scrappylittlegleek
Summary: After hearing Lillian say she loves her, Lena faces an unexpected downward spiral in which she questions herself, her feelings towards Lillian, and her upbringing. Throughout her struggle, Kara makes sure she is by her side, doing whatever it is she can to help.Based on the scene from 4x21 where Lillian tells Lena she loves her





	All I Ever Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning- child abuse, self-harm, panic attacks

Lena couldn’t breathe. 

She sat in bed trying to get herself to relax as Lillian’s voice replayed itself on a loop in her head. Over and over again like the kind of song you hate but can’t bring yourself to stop listening to.  

_ Of course, I’m worried about you. I love you. _

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get the noise to stop. It poked her the way her classmates used to on the playground; as if she were some sort of joke. The sound of Lillian’s voice speaking the words she’d wished she could’ve heard so many times growing up blossomed in her mind. Maybe it should’ve brought her some sort of comfort, but it only taunted her. She was filled with  _ I love you’s _ , a phrase she’d been so desperate to hear her entire life. A phrase she’d needed. But now that she had it, it felt like some sort of a heartless joke. 

Perhaps it should’ve brought her some sort of satisfaction, but it only served as a cruel reminder that even though she’d had a mother who loved her, she’d been abused her entire life. It made her feel even more worthless than she had growing up. It made her insides hollow, even though she felt heavy on her feet. 

Lillian's words overwhelmed her with guilt for all of the hatred she’d ever felt towards her mother. They flooded her with regret for being such a terrible daughter. They made her despise herself with every fiber of her being because even though Lillian had brought on so much immense pain in her life, she’d still loved her. All this time, she had always loved her. And there Lena was, taking advantage of that love and using it for her own selfish reasons.

As Lena listened to the simple phrase in her head, she scolded herself for being so terrible. So manipulative. So horrible. 

Lena ran her shaky hands through her hair and tried to reason with herself. It was dark out. It was sure to be some ungodly hour of the night but she was too scared to check her phone and confirm her worry that it had past midnight. So instead, she sat in bed and watched as her hands shook violently. She watched until she couldn’t stand the sight any longer and wrapped her arms around herself. She used every last fighting breath she had in her to try and reach the air she needed, but it worked to no avail. Her lungs rejected the stale atmosphere around her, leaving her desperate and broken.

She lay back and gripped her sheets tightly, trying to keep herself grounded. She gasped for air once more and tried to push down the ache in her chest that continued to eat away at her. But the guilt and the anger and the panic overwhelmed her. It took power over her body, filling her with things she’d never felt before. Terrifying dangerous things she could only hope she would never feel again. 

Was she so unbearable that Lillian had found no other choice than to treat her the way she did, even though she loved her? Had she been such an awful child growing up that Lillian had been compelled to scream at her until she was red in the face? Had she been such a burden on the Luthor family, that despite the fact that Lillian had taken pity on her enough to consider her a daughter, she’d felt there was no other way to discipline her than by calling her painfully offensive names? Had Lena driven her to the point where she found it absolutely necessary to beat her until her throat was dry and sore from crying so hard? 

The thoughts that ran wild through her mind like animals took over her body as if they were some sort of disease. It was like an infection that made her weak in the knees so that her legs began to shake until she felt like she was going to pass out. It was the kind of virus that covered her body in shivers, but they weren’t the kind of chills that would go away by simply putting on a jacket. It didn’t even matter if she pulled the covers up past her chest, she was still cold and alone. 

Even the breeze coming in through her bedroom window seemed to sing the words to her.  _ I love you. I love you.  _ They ran around her head in circles all throughout the night, depriving her of any chance she’d ever had at falling asleep. 

* * *

There was not enough coffee in the world to get Lena through her day. 

The excessive amount of caffeine she drank didn’t seem to give her the energy she needed to stay awake, instead, it just fueled her anxious thoughts. And while she should’ve spent the day in meetings making strides for her company and being at the very least somewhat productive, she sat through every one of her meetings and watched her leg as it bounced up and down. She only spoke when spoken to and even then her responses were short and vague. 

Once she eventually got back to her office, rather than working, she drummed her fingers against her desk and counted the words in the emails she was supposed to be responding to. Then once she got bored with that, she stared her clock and counted down the minutes until she got to leave. 

She didn’t even care that she wasn’t being productive. She couldn’t bring herself to think about L Corp at all. It didn’t bother her that she was behaving like a high school student waiting for the ninth period to end. How could she think about her behavior when she was so busy over analyzing every interaction she’d ever had with Lillian throughout her entire childhood and adult life? She was so hyper-fixated on Lillian’s words that they took up all the space in her brain until she couldn’t bring herself to think about anything else, even if she’d wanted to. They restricted her mind and fed into all of her other anxieties and insecurities until they had complete control over her.  

Lena spent the entire day on autopilot. Even after work when she went to Kara’s game night, she was numb. Her mind was so busy, it had become blank. She’d completely shut down. It didn’t matter that game night was something she looked forward to all week. When she arrived at Kara’s, she was unable to feel the spark that was always there to lift her spirits, no matter how down she was feeling. 

So she went through the motions once more. She forced herself to laugh when her friends laughed and pretended to be upset when she lost their game of Monopoly. She mindlessly clapped for Alex when she won charades and gave James a meaningless pat on the shoulder when he lost charades. The night just seemed to drag on forever, making it even more exhausting for Lena. She found herself having to push down multiple yawns as the night progressed, and even more when she realized how late it was getting. By the time game night had ended, she had completely blanked and wasn’t sure how she was going to manage to drive herself at home. And for that reason, maybe it was for the best that Kara stopped her when she tried to head out after everyone else had left. 

“Lena, hey, how are you getting home?” She’d asked; she placed a hand on Lena’s shoulder as if to physically stop her from leaving. It was a small gesture, but it sent shivers down Lena’s spine. Though, she couldn’t be sure if they were good or bad shivers. 

Lena shrugged and stifled another yawn. “I’m driving I guess.” 

Kara shook her head authoritatively. “No, you’re exhausted, you’ll fall asleep behind the wheel.” 

Lena sighed and folded her arms over her chest. She was so tired she was completely ready to throw a tantrum as if she were a toddler. “Kara, I promise, I’ll be fine.” 

Kara raised a skeptical brow. “You’ll be fine?” 

Lena nodded. 

“Lena, you almost fell asleep three times tonight,” Kara contradicted. 

Lena bit her lip and shuffled awkwardly. She knew she couldn’t really argue, she was far too tired to put up a fight. She just hated being treated this way. Like she couldn’t take care of herself. As if she were incompetent. 

She knew it wasn’t Kara’s intention to make her feel this way. She knew Kara just wanted to help. After all, she was a great friend, the best friend Lena had ever had. She just hated feeling so small and helpless, especially around Kara, someone she admired so much.

“You can spend the night here,” Kara offered. “I can tell somethings been bothering you and I-- I’m worried Lee, you shouldn’t be alone right now.” 

Lena looked down at her shoes and shifted her weight on her heels. She couldn’t say no, not to Kara. She had some sort of a hold on her. Lena could never say no to her, not even if she wanted to.

“Are you sure?” Lena asked.

Kara nodded. “Of course,” she said with a smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

She placed her hand on the small of Lena’s back and calmly guided her to her bedroom where she gave her a hoodie that was a few sizes too big on her and some pajama pants. When Lena finished changing, she sat down on the bed next to Kara, who draped her arm over her shoulder and pulled her close. She smiled and placed gentle kisses on Lena’s forehead until she felt Lena relax against her and cuddle closer towards her. She wrapped her arm around Kara’s stomach and hugged her tightly for fear that if her grip was too loose, Kara would disappear. Kara never asked what was wrong. By now she knew Lena would come to her when she was ready. Instead, they sat together, Lena resting her head on Kara’s shoulder, while Kara ran her fingers through Lena’s hair until eventually, they fell asleep. 

Of course, after falling asleep side by side, Lena was imaginably very concerned when she woke up in an empty bed. It wasn’t like Kara could’ve up and left her, she knew that, but she couldn’t push down the worry that rose in her chest when she looked around the room frantically and saw Kara wasn’t there. She all but sprinted into the kitchen, ready to throw herself on the island dramatically and cry is Kara wasn’t there. Luckily, she was able to breathe a sigh of relief when she saw Kara by the stove, making pancakes and scrambled eggs. 

“Hey,” she said; turning around and smiling brightly when she saw Lena. “How long have you been up?”

“Not long.” 

“When I woke up you were fast asleep and you looked so peaceful I didn’t want to wake you,” Kara explained with a dreamy grin. 

“But I was also really hungry so I decided to make breakfast,” she added and placed two plates on the island. 

She sat down beside Lena and didn’t hesitate to start eating. Lena on the other hand silently looked at her plate, the numbness from earlier slowly beginning to fade away as feeling started to return to her body. A tingling sensation rushed through her body as she finally regained all of the emotions that had left her just hours ago. She pulled at the tips of her fingers as she watched Kara, she was plagued with thoughts of how she’d ruined her night and was now screwing up her morning. 

“You didn’t have to do all this, you know,” she said quietly. 

“Do what?” Kara asked; her mouth full of pancake. She was completely oblivious to Lena’s current internal struggle which showed when she shot her a very confused but adorable smile.  

“This,” Lena gestured to her breakfast. 

“Well  I wasn’t gonna let you starve,” Kara responded with a chuckle. 

“No… not that,” Lena said quickly and laughed nervously. “I mean… you didn’t have too… I don’t know, let me spend the night, put up with me. I just-- I feel really bad about intruding is all.” 

“Lena, you’re not intruding,” Kara said and placed her hand on top of Lena’s. “You’re my friend, and friends are there for each other when they need it.”

Lena chewed on the inside of her mouth and nodded. 

“Now please eat something, you didn’t have any dinner yesterday.”

Lena nodded before reluctantly taking a bite of her breakfast.

* * *

 

Lena ended up staying for the rest of the day. And when Kara offered for her to spend the night again, she’d said yes almost immediately. Kara had been so good to her, she’d already been feeling so much better. She’d thought it would’ve been fine. She thought she would’ve been fine. But before she knew it she was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt for continuing to burden Kara and everyone else in her life once more. This time though, she couldn’t push it down in time. She couldn’t force the overbearing weight of her thoughts away any linger. 

She wasn’t sure how it happened or how she got there, but she ended up sitting on the bathroom floor, knees pulled up into her chest, trying with everything she had in her to keep her cries quiet so Kara wouldn’t hear her. She knew it was pointless. She wasn’t exactly subtle when it came to these things. But she was determined to salvage whatever shred of dignity she had left.  

Lena leaned her head against the door and pulled her knees up into her chest as far as they would go. She gripped onto her kneecaps, trying to find a sense of balance within herself. She looked up at the ceiling, the light nearly blinding her, then planted her feet firmly on the ground. But the floor still seemed to sway just slightly beneath her no matter what she did, no matter how hard she tried to ground herself. 

Her entire body was burning up. The cold tile floor didn’t help, all it did was spike up goosebumps on her arms. So she hugged herself even tighter and try to ignore the hot chills that covered her body. She dug her nails deep down into the skin on her arms, deep enough that if she went any further it would start to bleed. It was an old habit, one that certainly didn’t help the shame go away, but one she didn’t have the self-control to resist. All she wanted was for the numb feeling to come back. And maybe if she pinched herself hard enough it would. Maybe if she broke the skin she would be able to breathe again. If she could just get to the point where all she could think about was the physical pain instead of the emotional one, everything would start to get better.

Lena didn’t even think about the fact that that the numbness went hand in hand with exhaustion and dissociation. She didn’t care. It would’ve been better than this, so  _ so _ much better. Anything would’ve been better. She just wanted to look in the mirror and see normalcy. Not red blotchiness from crying, or bags under her eyes from staying up all night, contemplating and going over the day's events over and over again until she could pick out every single one of her flaws and everything she’d done wrong. 

The voices in her head were screaming. And this time, it wasn’t just Lillian. She was still there, but now it was everyone. 

_ You’re desperate for my attention, it’s pathetic. _

It was Lex’s voice, taunting her the way he used to when they were children. Mocking her the way he still did, even though they were both now adults. Filling her with rage from when she was a child and humiliation for still letting him get to her, even though she should've grown past it. 

_ Stop crying, you look ridiculous. Grow up for God's sake. _

It was Lionel, the same tone he’d used on her when she’d come home from school in the fourth grade, absolutely devastated. She’d run into his office in tears, distraught because he’d missed her science fair and all the other children had laughed when they realized she was the only one without her parents there to support her. 

_ Of course, I was worried about you. I love you. _

And as if on cue, Lillian's’ voice. Reminding her that every ounce of pain she was feeling she deserved. She’d thought such horrible things about her family, a family that had loved and cared for her. She deserved to hate herself after she’d repaid them the way she had. 

“Lena?” 

And there was Kara’s voice. A sound that she’d always found so safe and reassuring. It was like music to her ears. Sometimes in her darkest moments, she would call Kara during the middle of the night, even though she knew she wouldn’t pick up, just to hear the sound of her voice. It was something she would never admit to, but something she’d done many more times than she was proud of. 

“Lena?” Kara repeated; her voice laced with concern. 

“I’m okay,” Lena replied instinctively. But her voice was raspy and hoarse from crying, and Kara knew far too well she was lying. 

She sat down and leaned against the door. Even without her super hearing, she could hear Lena’s breathing through the door. She was wiping away her tears, quickly trying to regain her composure. 

Kara reached up and placed a gentle hand against the door, the kind of touch she would give Lena if she could. She bit her lip, trying to figure out the right thing to say, but if she was being honest, she was at a loss. She had no idea what to say or how to make it better, so for a while, she didn’t say anything. She sat silently and hoped Lena could somehow feel her against the door and know she was there. 

After a while, she could hear Lena’s heart rate begin to slow down and her breathing began to even out, which was when she decided to bite the bullet and say something. Even if it was the wrong thing. She assumed it would be better than saying nothing at all. 

“Lena?” She began once more. 

“I-- I’m not gonna ask if you’re okay because I-- I don’t think that would be very productive,” she said with a humorless chuckle. “But I… I’m here for you, and I… I don’t really know what you need but whatever it is, just say the word and I-- I’ll do it.”

She bit her lip as she waited for Lena’s response, but all there was, was silence. 

“I get it if you don’t want to talk about it,” she continued when she realized Lena wasn’t going to say anything. “But if-- if you do, I’m here for you. No matter what.” 

Lena placed a hand on the door. She imagined it was Kara sitting beside her, not a block of wood. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, stroking the door gently as if it were Kara. Finally, the waves inside her beginning to calm down with the sound of her friend's voice. 

She wasn’t sure why it was but knowing someone was there brought on a sense of tranquillity she hadn’t been able to find before. Maybe it was because knowing she wasn’t physically alone made everything just a little bit better. Maybe it was because she was emotional and weak like everyone said she was and now she was becoming dependent on somebody else. She couldn’t be sure and she didn’t care. The calmness was refreshing, so she allowed herself to indulge, even if just this once. 

“So I… if it’s okay, I’m just gonna sit here,” Kara said softly; and Lena nodded, even though she knew Kara couldn’t see her. 

After a few more moments of silence, once Lena had worked up the courage, she slowly turned the doorknob and opened the door. Kara was still sitting on the ground waiting patiently for her. And when the door opened, she looked up at Lena with eyes wide with anticipation.

Hurridly, she brushed off her legs and stood up, ready to give Lena whatever it was she needed.

“Hey,” she said softly, giving a small grin. 

Lena did best to return it as she took a step closer to Kara. “Thank you for waiting for me,” she said with a nervous smile. She wiped her sweaty palms against her pants and averted Kara’s gaze, unsure of what to say or do. 

“Do you wanna sit on the couch?” Kara suggested. 

Lena nodded. “Yeah, the bathroom floor kinda sucks,” she said and laughed lightly. 

She followed Kara into the living room where they sat side by side on the sofa. Lena folded her legs in her lap and watched Kara attentively while she waited for her to say something. Her heart was racing faster than it had been before and she couldn’t be sure if it was because she was nervous about talking about it, or embarrassed because Kara had seen her break down. She decided it was probably a little bit of both and hoped it would start to calm down soon. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kara offered. 

“I don’t wanna bother you with my stuff.” 

“You’re not bothering me,” Kara said softly and mindlessly placed a hand on Lena’s knee. 

Lena bit her lip and looked up. Kara was so kind and caring. She was so genuinely loving and empathetic, it would crush her to hear what had been going on in Lena’s head. She couldn’t allow herself to share that burden, especially not with someone as good as Kara. She shouldn’t have to feel that kind of pain. She shouldn’t have to know what Lena had been going through, it just wasn’t fair to her.

“Lena, I promise, whatever it is you have to say, I don’t mind,” Kara said as if she could somehow read Lena’s mind. “But if you’re not ready to talk, that's okay too. We can just sit here if that’s what you need.” 

Lena drew in a breath and held it. She was torn. 

Ever since she’d spoken to Lillian, all she’d wanted was to be able to tell someone about the internal dilemma she’d been facing. She wanted to cry about everything her mother had put her through growing up until she had no tears left inside her. She wanted to let it all out and be free of the chains around her ankles. But now that the opportunity was presenting itself, all she could feel was fear. 

“If I say it… I don’t want things-- I don’t want things between us to change,” Lena began. “And I know I can’t help it if you start thinking of me differently but I… you’re my best friend and I-- I need you, and I don’t want to lose you over this.”

“I promise, you’ll never lose me, Lena. There’s nothing you could say that would make me think badly about you” Kara reassured; Lena could tell she really meant it. 

Lena nodded, she released the breath she’d been holding in and did her best to mentally prepare herself for the words she was about to say. 

“I saw Lillian the other day.” 

A pause.

“Oh?”

“She told me she loved me.” 

“Oh.” 

“Hearing her say it was like… it made me feel like I was a child again, begging for her approval,” Lena confessed. 

“At first I-- I know it’s stupid but I was happy about it, I was  _ so _ happy.”

Kara shook her head. “That’s not stupid,” she contradicted. 

Lena sighed and nodded. “I know,” she admitted. 

“But then it-- once the initial happiness went away, all I could think about was how  _ awful  _ I must be,” she continued; her voice broke and she looked down at her lap shamefully as her eyes filled with tears once more. 

“Because if she loved me all this time I-- all I’ve ever-- I’ve just been so  _ selfish _ and-- she loves me, Kara, she  _ loves _ me, and all I can think about is how I had a shitty childhood when really I-- I should be appreciating everything she’s done for me.”

“You’re not selfish, Lena. You were hurt very badly by her and you have every right to be upset,” Kara said firmly yet kindly. “You are such an amazing person and Lillian had no right to treat you the way she did.”

Lena opened her mouth to speak, but Kara cut her off before she could get a word out. She didn’t bother to consider that she might be being rude, she just couldn’t stand to see her friend suffer like this. 

“I know she loves you but that’s no excuse, there was no reason for you to have gone through everything you’ve experienced.” 

Lena bit her lip. “But what if that’s what love is and I’m just overreacting?” She asked rhetorically. “I mean, she put me through hell but she-- she was-- she  _ is _ my mother, she raised me, she gave me everything. I know she was terrible and I-- I would never wish the things she put me through on my worst enemy, but she… I don’t know… maybe I am as loveless as she says I am,” her voice trailed off and she bashfully looked down at her lap. 

“That’s not what love is,” Kara whispered. “And you are not loveless.”

Lena sighed and shook her head with a scoff. “It’s easy to say that when you’ve grown up around people who truly love each other.” 

Kara nodded. “You’re right.” 

Lena looked up and raised a questioning eyebrow, taken aback by Kara’s response. 

“It is easier for me to grasp what love really means and what it feels like. And I can say with full confidence that you, Lena, are  _ not _ unloveable. You’ve been through horrifying things and I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now, but you have to believe me when I say Lillian had no right to treat you the way she did.”

Tears filled Lena’s eyes as she tried to formulate a response. But she couldn’t bring herself to speak even though the words were sitting on the tip of her tongue. And despite her best efforts to say something, she couldn’t seem to make a sound.

“Someone loving you doesn’t give them the right to hurt you. I know it’s hard to think about, but Lillian telling you she loves you doesn’t invalidate your experiences at all.” 

Kara moved closer to Lena and tentatively took Lena’s hand in her own. She met Lena’s eyes and for a minute they sat in silence, neither of them able to find the words to match what they were feeling inside. 

“Love isn’t something you can use to brush off hurting someone. It’s… it’s being there for them, knowing their boundaries and respecting them, it-- it’s laughing and crying together, it’s knowing no matter what happens, you’ll be okay if you’re together. It’s knowing that they’re safe.” 

Kara could hear Lena’s heart beating loudly against her chest. The sound was deafening but filled Kara with energy and light. 

“You deserve to be loved Lena, really loved,” Kara said and gave Lena’s hand a squeeze. “And what Lillian did-- that wasn’t love, it was manipulation, and you deserve so much better.” 

Lena looked at Kara with wide eyes. “But what if nobody ever loves me the way you say they’re supposed to?” 

Kara just smiled and shook her head. “Oh, I don’t think that’ll be a problem,” she said softly. 

She wrapped her arm around Lena’s waist and pulled her close, just as she had the night before. Lena melted at the contact. She allowed herself to rest her head on Kara’s shoulder, for once not caring about how weak or vulnerable she may have seemed. She closed her eyes, the cathartic exhaustion from finally letting everything out began to roll over her, covering her with a warm blanket. She took a deep breath, taking in Kara’s scent, reminding herself once more that she was safe and she was okay. 

They sat in silence for a little while. Every so often Kara would run her fingers through Lena’s hair and whisper something in her ear. Lena would smile and mumble something equally as kind in response. She would rub circles on Kara’s hand with the pad of her thumb and let herself get lost in the moment. And the cycle would repeat itself until eventually, Lena’s eyelids became heavy and Kara could feel her begin to shut down against her. It didn’t take long before it seemed like Lena had fallen asleep completely, which was when Kara smiled to herself and placed a gentle kiss on the top of Lena’s head. 

“I love you, Lena,” she whispered. 

She leaned back against the couch but made sure she kept her grip on Lena. Slowly, she felt her eyes begin to droop as the heaviness from today began to lift from her chest. And just before she completely drifted away from reality, she heard Lena say four words she never could’ve imagined hearing. 

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I'm still not really sure how I feel about this. I was pretty hesitant to post it because it's so heavy and I didn't want to do it wrong. If you guys have any feedback or if something could've been written better please don't hesitate to tell me because this one-shot felt pretty important to me and I really want it to be done well.


End file.
